The TruTh

today.. i opened his blog.. he had updated his blog ic.. nice tone of colour.. n then i thought to myself.. oh no! tat meanz he added a new post today!! my heart doesnt beat the way tat it normally does.. so i read through his post while catching my breath.. indeed.. it was how i hv expected.. he did have a girlfriend already.. n i think i knw who tat gal was.. tears were flowing.. heart was crushed by a big fire rock.. body felt like numb already.. energy went from 50 percent to 0.9 percent.. silence.. it hurts bloody much when i found out the truth.. gosh! i wished i hv never c this at all!! but they had their problem oso.. the gal doesnt respond to him..

at this time.. i felt myself so selfish n irresponsible.. y izzit all hv to be like this?? other ppl hv their feelings too!! jz because he doesnt like me, i called this hurting?? devastating??!! i hv tat gal to be respect oso!! it's nt jz all about u, nicole!!! (gosh.. i think im scolding myself de).. anyway.. it is reasonable for him to forget me.. i dun deserve for him to remember me.. i will be leaving malacca anyway.. i this time hope tat they both can settle their problems.. n hopefully they both can be together back.. sobs.. it's better to sacrifice one than two..

feeling so lonely nw.. if a guy cum n comfort me.. i would really go n hug him straightaway.. sounds desperate huh.. but tat's how im feeling nw.. i really need someone to cure my heart nw.. oh god.. i hv no idea whether i still hv the will to live anymore.. sobs..

In The MatTer Of...

it's already 3 something in the morning.. everyone in the house has gone to bed.. except me.. im still wide awake in front of my comp.. oh ya.. coz i oni have one class later.. n tat's from 5 to 6 pm.. hehe.. so i can stay up the whole nite chatting n playing games~ anyway, jz nw i had my supper at mamak there.. n when i came back here.. my heart beats rapidly.. it's like i had jz done exercising.. but the fact is tat.. i didnt!! i hv no idea y.. until nw, it still beats fastly.. probably coz i had too much 'teh ais' jz nw..

anyway.. i jz got to knw a nigeria gal during physics today.. she kinda nice.. although i hv forgotten her name adi.. (it's a complicated name duh).. she's kinda sociable too.. tat's really in contrast with my thinking.. coz in my opinion.. black gals prefer to mix with their own type than to mix with us (local).. my academic advisor oso told me once tat international students like to socialise with us but they are shy of coz.. (same case as the local too) oh well.. i guess she has changed my thoughts de.. hehe.. solute her though.. cool~~

oh ya.. last nite.. my 1st ex, KV called me.. i looked at my phone n it stated an incoming call from him.. i was kinda shocked to be heard from him.. n so.. we were doin some chatz on the phone, n suddenly he asked me to accept him back.. n said tat he needed me.. i was in dead silence at 1st.. at tat time.. i had realised.. this was the same thing i did to him.. (not KV le).. love cant be forced between 2 ppl.. it would hurt both rather than one.. at last, i had switch off myself from the halucinating world.. back to reality world.. i finally answered back a "no" to KV.. i expected tat he would jz hang up the phone n gone.. oni tat he said the word 'thank u' this time.. i felt relieved this time.. i found myself able to forgive KV at last..

rite nw.. i shud learn hw to let him (not KV again) go.. no matter hw hard it is.. i have to do it.. as we both cant be together anymore.. i will.. yes.. i will learn to let him go.. mayb by the time when i hv no feelings towards him.. we both can be frenz again.. as happy as before.. oni time determines everything.. whether it's today, tomolo, the day after, a year later or even 10 years later.. it depends.. tsk tsk.. we will see.. = )

Final GoodBye..

today.. JF is gonna leave here officially.. n fly back to his hometown.. n start his new life at his place.. i could oni wish him to hv a nice journey de.. n take care.. tat's it.. tat's all tat i hv said.. sigh.. i found myself being a little selfish.. i guess my fren is right.. i dunno knw hw to care for someone.. even as a fren.. i will oni realise when it's missing.. however.. i did appreciate everything tat JF had done for me.. i did spend some time talking to him.. n we had a great n fun time chatting~ thank u, JF... thankz for everything.. hope tat our friendship stays strong forever.. keep in touch alwayz~

about him?.. i could oni say.. AS USUAL.. jz like tat.. i expected the situation to be like tat anyway.. eversince the time when i hv found the "mail" , i kept avoiding from him indirectly whenever i c him.. i felt myself awful.. disgusting.. desperado.. arrrggghhhh!! all are negative feedback of coz.. im afraid tat i would cry if i ever look at him.. it's nt because i was ashamed of myself.. it's because i cant believe the fact tat i still love him stood there doin nothing for tat.. wat breaks a women's heart?.. it's when she's in love with the man tat she had hurt him before.. painful.. it's very hurtful..

anyway.. the next exam is jz 3 days away.. n i hv no idea wat to study for PHYSICS LAB!! let's jz hope luck is on my side this time.. rite nw.. mood.. sad.. tired.. frustrated.. hurt.. pain.. n little bit of coughing tat irritates my throat.. alwayz sick b4 exam.. sux!! my hope to be happy everyday will be delay after all.. hahaha.. chaoz..

A Terrible Mistake!

yesterday nite while i was checking and refreshing my mail, i saw something.. it's a mail.. on 26th of april.. it was a 7 months ago mail.. from him.. stated "it's not a love letter since u dun love me anymore".. i was shocked.. i din even know about this letter existance!! i clicked on and read it.. as i read the mail.. tears kept on dropping one by one.. i cannot believe tat i din notice about this mail since april 2006!! how stupid am i??!! things would not end up like this if i check my mail everyday!!! it hurts me even more tat i opened this YESTERDAY!! damn terrible mistake!!

nw i know how upsets was him in the past.. but.. so wat if i know nw.. i cant do anything about it.. he doesnt love me anymore.. things had changed nw.. he had changed as well.. wateva tat i do, he doesnt care anymore.. =....( no matter how many times i cry, he will never cum back to me isnt it.. so y i wanna waste my time thinking of him??!! i really cant control myself.. everytime when i go to school, i c him.. emotionally, i could pass out anytime n anywhere by nw..

i did learn something yesterday.. i shud hv appreciate everything tat i had from the beginning till the end.. u'll never know how important is it until u lost it.. n i did lost it.. if there's really such thing as time machine, i wanna be the 1st one to use it so tat i could go back to the beginning of the point.. a pointless place.. a place where i can have back my paradise.. my pleasure.. n oso cheerfulness.. sigh.. how can i mend this broken heart.. sobs..

FeeLing Down..

feeling so down nw.. dunno wat's the reason.. all i knw is tat as im gonna leave here in malacca.. the heavier my heart gets.. although some of my frenz are goin to cyberjaya with me as well, but most of my classmates are nt goin unfortunately.. adi used to the class atmosphere for almost a year.. sigh.. i guess where there's a point of meeting, there's also a point of leaving each other.. JF is gonna leave malacca by tomolo too.. guess i can oni communicate with him through msn de.. abit sad though, but im glad tat we've got to knw each other..

most important.. i will not hv to see him anymore.. but.. but.. im still worried if i would miss him when im at cyber.. he was supposed to be in cyber too.. but then.. things change.. he's gonna be in malacca after all.. i think im gonna cry when my last day in malacca has come.. sobs.. i told myself a thousand time tat i dun wish to hv this feeling towards him anymore.. but i still struggle during this period.. i still love him.. but he doesnt love me.. n im still learning to accept this truth till nw.. hopefully.. sigh..

exam is around the corner de.. still havent study enough currently.. plus, hv to hand up alot of assignments, presentations n oso full reports by next week de.. suffercating alot here.. it's like drowning myself in the sea~ need to float as soon as possible.. hahaha..

>.<