memories of 2006..

it's almost a day left to year 2007.. damn.. im getting older AGAIN!! time did passed by fast throughout the whole year of 2006.. gotta say goodbye to all my frenz in malacca.. however.. at least a new year has come.. a new day has come.. a new LIFE has come.. n i shall be moving to cyber for my degree programme.. >.<>

1st of all.. i started my year with a chinese new year celebration.. this time, i got to celebrate with all my overall family include my grandparents, uncles n aunts, cousins, n other relatives as well.. besides, i hv a slightly hope to enter MMU.. since i was kinda late for my application.. n i wasnt really interested through the courses there.. (mum forced me.. sigh) while i was in Australia, i received a phone call from my aunt informing tat MMU accepted me!! yippee~!! but leh.. i missed the orientation day.. coz i wasnt back from Aus yet..

so i came to MMU on the early of feb.. which i was kinda new to the environment here.. nt familiar with the place.. i came up to C-04-07, EP.. ya.. 4th floor.. coz other place was full.. n i dunwan to live with the indians n malays.. when i came here.. i 1st saw my mongolian roommate, odko.. n goodness.. she's dirty.. she throws things everywhere, but nt in the dustbin.. nite time, i met my other roommate, molly who apparently made a funny entrance n i was at the living room eating a piece of bread.. ya.. we r still laughing at it till nw.. it was my fortune in 2006, to hv her as my roommate.. someone who has bubbly, crazy n friendly personality.. hehe.. n i oso got to knw other wonderful housemates.. petleng, amy, kuen, ning, n huey lynn later on.. ya.. i oso glad to knw my mongolian housemates who moved back to their country later.. hehe..

i started my uni life on tues.. 1st sem.. hehe.. coz i was late.. hehe.. i got to knw alot of frenz from pe40, pe41, pe42 n pe 44.. i met vv, elaine, siraj, jon, jonathan, v sion, kaw ping, xuan hao, ray, mun loong, ck, chu, jeffrey, swee jiang, loo, cavid n more more frenzin ep like jia shan, jackie, yen, emily, yik min, allysa n more more.. sorry for those names tat i hv nt stated ya.. one most important thing tat happened in my life of 2006, is tat i started a love life with jackson.. who was oso my classmate btw.. an unforgetable time in my life.. we alwayz sit together during class time.. he cures my broken heart.. i was glad to be with him.. ya.. we took jap class together oso.. haha.. at tat time, i can tell myself tat " i love him so much".. "very very much".. sometimes i would make as i din care for him or something.. but truly from my heart.. i did care for him.. really care.. i cherish him alot..

the month of april.. a harsh moment of my life.. we were supposed to celebrate my bday together.. but.. i was having a big headache at the same time.. it was excruciating.. i cant even stand properly.. so i told him to cancel the plan.. then situation got intense.. i knew tat he was upset.. i did planned something to cheer him up.. but then.. when i heard some bad news about him.. i was angry.. over the edge for making my decision.. ya.. i was the one who came out with the idea of breaking up with him.. during tat moment, i dunno whether i did the rite thing or the opposite way.. i honestly dunno.. i cried the whole nite.. i even travelled to johor to clear up my mind.. it was a dreadful experience.. really..

2nd sem time.. i made as if i was okay everytime when i go to class n i come back home.. at 1st, i still able to face him.. even when EP campfire nite, i still made myself think tat i was okay with tat.. nothing bad with my decision.. but then.. i got to knw alot of frenz here.. daniel, his gang, sonia, maria, usha, n some IS students oso.. hehe.. at this time, i got to knw someone who's my senior.. his name is boonming.. we 1st met when i was hving my dinner n he came n asked for our attendance to women awareness week.. hehe.. since then, we alwayz chat on ym.. i later on found out tat he knew my fren siraj too.. so we all big gang usually would go out n have fun~~ especially mr siraj who alwayz asks us to hang out at pure bar.. aiseh.. but i did enjoy my moments there.. it drives me away from thinking bout him.. one time, they joked around about me together with boonming.. then, a joke has turned into reality.. i found myself liking him.. although he alwayz kidding about his degree year (beta, gamma, or delta).. hahaha.. lotz of complications happened tat time.. undescribdable..

towards the end of 2nd sem, the liking still stays as liking.. it was nt love.. so i oni treat him as fren so far.. so does him of coz.. 3rd sem, my frenz n i explored alot of places tat i hv never been b4 including hot spring n oso MUAR.. wonderful time.. i still having some doubt over jackson sometimes.. until.. i found an email in my inbox.. it's funny coz i din notice the email before.. it was from jackson.. his last email to me.. "this isnt a love letter since u dun love me anymore".. oh no.. i had done a big MISTAKE!! once again.. tears flowing uncontrolled.. sigh.. it was my worse moment.. realising my mistake.. 原来.. my decision was wrong all this while.. i was fully regreted.. but i cant turn back the time anymore.. n nw he has a gf adi.. n i hv to forget him.. i mz assume him as my fren.. n tat's it.. who to blame? myself.. sobs.. yea.. most of the blogs i written is all about him.. sigh.. i kept askin.. god, y is this happening to me??.. y??..

n nw it's adi dec.. i will miss all the things tat gonna be leave behind.. but i hv gain alot of things from friendship, knowledges n experiences.. i oni lost a thing.. tat is love.. i cant forgive myself after the incident.. anyway, thankz to my frenz who hv supported me throughout the process.. thankz to all my malacca frenz.. i'll miss u all alot.. i will never forget the moments in malacca..

goodbye 2006, n welcome to 2007.. a new life in cyber.. new housemates.. new frenz in new uni.. anyway, good luck to all my frenz for final examz~!!

The DraMaTic DaY~

8pm at nite jz nw, 5 groups of PE40 students supposed to present their drama in CLC building.. we were the 2nd group.. the preparation was kinda little n some of us cant memorise the words properly.. including me!! i was afraid tat i might lose my words n tremble.. sigh.. as we waited for our turn, we watched the 1st group performing.. my god, they were good! in acting of coz! the longer i waited, the nervous i got de.. p.s. i was supposed to act as Mrs. White btw.. a wicked wife de.. hahaha.. i hv to pretend tat i'll go crazy and die at the end..

oh ya.. his group was after mine.. so i get to watch him after i present.. hehe.. b4 i started to act, he gave me a word, "gambate".. n tat drives me more enthusiastically to make my drama successful.. thankz to him.. well, at last i had finished the drama.. i thought at 1st, we were kinda funny and it went fluently.. but leh.. after i had watched other groups, im not quite sure anymore.. coz the rest of the group were brilliant!! especially his!! n i think he did a wonderful job in his drama.. well done!! n to his frenz too~!! bravo everyone~!!

anyway.. i wanna thank to all my group members for this drama.. since it's my last co-operation with them in malacca.. although we had a conflict at 1st, but we had overcome it by today.. so, congrats to everyone~ u guys have work it out man~!! hope to meet u guys in the future~

aiya.. another complication came out during supper time.. me n my future housemates had a problem finding another housemate for the single room in cyberia.. it's still remains available.. i have to search the whole internet for a housemate.. including posting in the mmu forums and oso friendster.. tiring.. hopefully could find someone b4 the month of january de.. let's jz hope so.. phew~~

ConFusInG!!

it's almost 4 in the morning and im still awake.. in middle of arranging my schedule courses for next year.. kinda nervous though.. gotta wake up early in the morning jz to register courses.. hopefully i get the spot tat i wanted to.. coz the chances for getting better timetables is kinda low.. if im late, i gonna get the worse timetable.. sigh.. guess im taking 6 subjects for next year.. coz frenz told me tat if i bring some of the subjects to the front, i wont suffer tat much when im goin to epcilon level.. as they said.. it's TOUGH!! HARD!! MESSY!! LIMITED TIME!!

anyway.. speaking of limited time.. i had jz fighted with my so-called leader,S last afternoon about practicing our drama.. we havent even started a proper acting for the whole week.. everyone kept delaying the rehearsal time!! ok fine.. since S said he was facing with his flooded house problem, i can consider it rationally.. but when we supposed to practice today at 1pm, he was late for almost 2 hours!! reason?? he was bz doin the monkey's paw.. for 1 hour!! oh come on!! if u cant do it, jz inform me n i will get the monkey's paw done in 15 minutes time!! n he said he hv to stay for lunch time too.. =.=" i havent even have mine!!! obviously, we dun hv time for daytime practice.. so, i asked them if they can practice it during night time.. S n his fren kept giving excuses n suggested to practice the next day.. by tat time, it's adi time for drama for god sake!!! wat if we dun get enough of practice?? wat if we r nt ready enough for this?? wat happen if we messed up during drama?? n guess wat?? his answer was "it's ok, jz 10% marks gone nia.. no big deal"... i was like aaaarrRRGGHHH!!!! cant he think for someone else??!! he can lose his 4 flat point n still get 1st class ticket!! but wat about the rest??! take me for an example, i oni got C for my midterm exam n my essay wasnt tat satisfatory.. tat's y im trying to do my best to work this drama out properly.. but certain ppl could jz care less about this!!!

i think we r gonna mess up alot tomolo nite.. doom... oh ya.. i hv decided to talk back to "him".. if we couldnt be a couple anymore, y not become gd frenz? after being foolish for few weeks, i had finally realised the meaning of love is.. loving someone doesnt meanz tat u have to be with him.. loving someone meanz making him happy alwayz n cheerful.. although it hv to be him with another gal.. as long as he's happy.. im happy too.. eventhough i cant be with him.. at least i knew tat i was with this person b4 who had taught me alot of stuff tat i never knew.. i will alwayz remember him as he's alwayz remainz in my heart.. honestly.. i will wait 4 him.. if possible.. but rite nw.. FRENZ ALWAYZ..

Christmas Extravaganza~!!

oh wow.. jz came back from outside de.. tiredness.. surrounded my whole body man.. hehe.. few hours ago, my frenz n i were celebrating our christmas together at portuguese settlement (malacca).. was told tat there will be celebration every year.. we arrived there at about 7 something in the evening (of coz).. it was super CROWDED!! lotz of ppl walking along the unbelievable gorgeously road together with all the BEAUTY houses of the portuguese citizens.. it's a tradition for the portuguese ppl to decorate their houses as fancy as possible during christmas time.. n it was admirable.. we even took plenty of picz in front of their houses.. haha..

jz one annoying thing.. strangers kept on spraying "artificial snow" around me!! some even sprayed directly towards my face!! aaRRGGHHH!! the pain in my eyes was absolutely excruciating!! nvm.. it's christmas nite anyway.. anyone who went mad tonite shud be forgiven de.. as long as tat someone did nt go crazy the next day.. hahaha.. btw.. the countdown was fanstastic~ except tat alot of "snows" were flowing everywhere.. fortunately, i was hiding behind a protection.. so i wasnt the worse one de.. at the end, we went home happily.. although we were stuck under the traffic jam while we were on our way out from the settlement.. phew~

but.. i was a little upset tat time.. i cant share my christmas with my loved one.. i saw alot of couples there celebrating happily.. there was once when i saw a guy was protecting his gf from being sprayed by the "snow".. n his gf was touched for the things tat he did.. then next thing tat i saw is tat they both were kissing each other adi.. suddenly, a bolt striked through my mind.. if him n i were still together.. we could have celebrated this wonderful moment together.. have our romantic time together.. unfortunately.. my superstitious thinking will alwayz be a dream forever.. i would oni fool myself for this.. sigh.. wat to do.. i could oni wish to be his so-called memorable fren de.. god bless him..

anyway.. today is CHRISTMAS DAY~~!! n we shud be happy~!! HO HO HO!! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE~!! GOD BLESS U GUYS~!! JINGLE BELL ROCKS~!!

Again?..

again.. feeling so down again.. although i was kinda entertained with my fren who is singing multiple kinds of songs in my room nw.. feeling hillarious coz she love to sing songs everyday n keep repeating the song!! hahaha.. anyway.. i jz found out tat his problem has been solved.. meanz the probz between him n her have been overcomed.. i think.. im happy tat they hv cleared their probz.. but at the same time.. my heart went sourish (bad language, i knw).. i still couldnt overcome my feeling towards him.. i try to.. i really try to control it.. but.. i dunno y.. everytime i glance a little at him, i blushed! so easily!!

if i can go back into the past, i would chose to go back to my 1st semester in mmu where i 1st knew him.. we used to talk last time.. but nw.. not even a word exists between us.. i oni talk to his frenz! i dunno y.. izzit because i was too shy to start a conversation with him? no idea.. i hv to find an excuse to chat with him.. suddenly a question pop up to my mind.. wat am i to him?.. nw tat he has belong to someone else, it's unfair for me to interupt their life isnt it.. no! i dunwan to be a bitch!! i really wanted them to be together sincerely.. since i cant have him adi.. i really do.. wat hurt the most? is when u realised how truly u were in love with someone.. if i love him, i shud wish a plenty happiness to them.. yes.. i shud..

no matter how much he used to love me, i hv got to accept tat it's adi in the past.. PAST TIME ALREADY!! (wateva im saying nw is easy of coz, but to make it to an action is hard!) seriously i hate myself nw.. i dunno who i am.. wat am i actually.. my personality has been lost lately.. frenz told me tat i've changed alot.. well, i dunno whether they meant it from the physically or mentally de.. it's so confusing recently.. everything has turned into jigsaw puzzle.. including my mind i guess.. (crapping alot of rubbish nw) everyone was like telling me tat im supposed to thank him for entering into my life coz he had taught me alot of things.. in tat case.. im found guilty.. really guilty.. i did hurt his feelings in the past rite.. sigh.. it's all coming back to me nw.. n i hv lost the day i let him go.. sobs..

U Went Too Overboard..

sigh... something "bad" had jz happened during phd.. the lecturer was teaching.. n i was focusing on the slide.. everything sounded ok until.. JF's fren came to me.. oh no.. he gave me a big teddy n said tat it was from JF!! (when i said big, i meant BIG!!) in front of everyone!! while lecturer was teaching!!! oh gosh.. no knows tat i was crying throught out the whole class.. whoever was calling for me, i din bother to know.. i dunno whether i was embarassed, angry or even sad.. n guess wat? "he" had witnessed the whole thing.. oh my god!! of everyone who saw tat, y does it hv to be HIM??!! especially when such intense atmosphere happen in the class???!! sobs..

i understand tat JF was jz trying to cheer me up since i hv been down lately.. but.. but sometimes i jz dunwan to get our friendship into relationship.. i jz assumed us both as frenz.. but JF had went too overboard for this.. giving a present infront of ppl would jz make others think tat we were both together.. im sorry if i had hurt JF's feelings but this is wat i feel.. sorry.. but i really did appreaciate for wat u hv done for me.. really sorry.. im jz afraid tat "he" (not JF) would misunderstood for wat had happened jz nw.. nothing happen between me n JF really.. although he had a gf adi.. i still wanted him to knw tat my love for him is alwayz real.. not a game.. i really hope tat he could understand..

haiz.. the whole day has been a moody day.. cant even have the appetite to eat my lunch jz nw.. i guess im goin out for dinner later.. since the rain has stop finally (after it rains more than 2 days nonstop) hopefully everything could go back as usual.. wish he could "liao jie" everything de..

The TruTh

today.. i opened his blog.. he had updated his blog ic.. nice tone of colour.. n then i thought to myself.. oh no! tat meanz he added a new post today!! my heart doesnt beat the way tat it normally does.. so i read through his post while catching my breath.. indeed.. it was how i hv expected.. he did have a girlfriend already.. n i think i knw who tat gal was.. tears were flowing.. heart was crushed by a big fire rock.. body felt like numb already.. energy went from 50 percent to 0.9 percent.. silence.. it hurts bloody much when i found out the truth.. gosh! i wished i hv never c this at all!! but they had their problem oso.. the gal doesnt respond to him..

at this time.. i felt myself so selfish n irresponsible.. y izzit all hv to be like this?? other ppl hv their feelings too!! jz because he doesnt like me, i called this hurting?? devastating??!! i hv tat gal to be respect oso!! it's nt jz all about u, nicole!!! (gosh.. i think im scolding myself de).. anyway.. it is reasonable for him to forget me.. i dun deserve for him to remember me.. i will be leaving malacca anyway.. i this time hope tat they both can settle their problems.. n hopefully they both can be together back.. sobs.. it's better to sacrifice one than two..

feeling so lonely nw.. if a guy cum n comfort me.. i would really go n hug him straightaway.. sounds desperate huh.. but tat's how im feeling nw.. i really need someone to cure my heart nw.. oh god.. i hv no idea whether i still hv the will to live anymore.. sobs..

In The MatTer Of...

it's already 3 something in the morning.. everyone in the house has gone to bed.. except me.. im still wide awake in front of my comp.. oh ya.. coz i oni have one class later.. n tat's from 5 to 6 pm.. hehe.. so i can stay up the whole nite chatting n playing games~ anyway, jz nw i had my supper at mamak there.. n when i came back here.. my heart beats rapidly.. it's like i had jz done exercising.. but the fact is tat.. i didnt!! i hv no idea y.. until nw, it still beats fastly.. probably coz i had too much 'teh ais' jz nw..

anyway.. i jz got to knw a nigeria gal during physics today.. she kinda nice.. although i hv forgotten her name adi.. (it's a complicated name duh).. she's kinda sociable too.. tat's really in contrast with my thinking.. coz in my opinion.. black gals prefer to mix with their own type than to mix with us (local).. my academic advisor oso told me once tat international students like to socialise with us but they are shy of coz.. (same case as the local too) oh well.. i guess she has changed my thoughts de.. hehe.. solute her though.. cool~~

oh ya.. last nite.. my 1st ex, KV called me.. i looked at my phone n it stated an incoming call from him.. i was kinda shocked to be heard from him.. n so.. we were doin some chatz on the phone, n suddenly he asked me to accept him back.. n said tat he needed me.. i was in dead silence at 1st.. at tat time.. i had realised.. this was the same thing i did to him.. (not KV le).. love cant be forced between 2 ppl.. it would hurt both rather than one.. at last, i had switch off myself from the halucinating world.. back to reality world.. i finally answered back a "no" to KV.. i expected tat he would jz hang up the phone n gone.. oni tat he said the word 'thank u' this time.. i felt relieved this time.. i found myself able to forgive KV at last..

rite nw.. i shud learn hw to let him (not KV again) go.. no matter hw hard it is.. i have to do it.. as we both cant be together anymore.. i will.. yes.. i will learn to let him go.. mayb by the time when i hv no feelings towards him.. we both can be frenz again.. as happy as before.. oni time determines everything.. whether it's today, tomolo, the day after, a year later or even 10 years later.. it depends.. tsk tsk.. we will see.. = )

Final GoodBye..

today.. JF is gonna leave here officially.. n fly back to his hometown.. n start his new life at his place.. i could oni wish him to hv a nice journey de.. n take care.. tat's it.. tat's all tat i hv said.. sigh.. i found myself being a little selfish.. i guess my fren is right.. i dunno knw hw to care for someone.. even as a fren.. i will oni realise when it's missing.. however.. i did appreciate everything tat JF had done for me.. i did spend some time talking to him.. n we had a great n fun time chatting~ thank u, JF... thankz for everything.. hope tat our friendship stays strong forever.. keep in touch alwayz~

about him?.. i could oni say.. AS USUAL.. jz like tat.. i expected the situation to be like tat anyway.. eversince the time when i hv found the "mail" , i kept avoiding from him indirectly whenever i c him.. i felt myself awful.. disgusting.. desperado.. arrrggghhhh!! all are negative feedback of coz.. im afraid tat i would cry if i ever look at him.. it's nt because i was ashamed of myself.. it's because i cant believe the fact tat i still love him stood there doin nothing for tat.. wat breaks a women's heart?.. it's when she's in love with the man tat she had hurt him before.. painful.. it's very hurtful..

anyway.. the next exam is jz 3 days away.. n i hv no idea wat to study for PHYSICS LAB!! let's jz hope luck is on my side this time.. rite nw.. mood.. sad.. tired.. frustrated.. hurt.. pain.. n little bit of coughing tat irritates my throat.. alwayz sick b4 exam.. sux!! my hope to be happy everyday will be delay after all.. hahaha.. chaoz..

A Terrible Mistake!

yesterday nite while i was checking and refreshing my mail, i saw something.. it's a mail.. on 26th of april.. it was a 7 months ago mail.. from him.. stated "it's not a love letter since u dun love me anymore".. i was shocked.. i din even know about this letter existance!! i clicked on and read it.. as i read the mail.. tears kept on dropping one by one.. i cannot believe tat i din notice about this mail since april 2006!! how stupid am i??!! things would not end up like this if i check my mail everyday!!! it hurts me even more tat i opened this YESTERDAY!! damn terrible mistake!!

nw i know how upsets was him in the past.. but.. so wat if i know nw.. i cant do anything about it.. he doesnt love me anymore.. things had changed nw.. he had changed as well.. wateva tat i do, he doesnt care anymore.. =....( no matter how many times i cry, he will never cum back to me isnt it.. so y i wanna waste my time thinking of him??!! i really cant control myself.. everytime when i go to school, i c him.. emotionally, i could pass out anytime n anywhere by nw..

i did learn something yesterday.. i shud hv appreciate everything tat i had from the beginning till the end.. u'll never know how important is it until u lost it.. n i did lost it.. if there's really such thing as time machine, i wanna be the 1st one to use it so tat i could go back to the beginning of the point.. a pointless place.. a place where i can have back my paradise.. my pleasure.. n oso cheerfulness.. sigh.. how can i mend this broken heart.. sobs..

FeeLing Down..

feeling so down nw.. dunno wat's the reason.. all i knw is tat as im gonna leave here in malacca.. the heavier my heart gets.. although some of my frenz are goin to cyberjaya with me as well, but most of my classmates are nt goin unfortunately.. adi used to the class atmosphere for almost a year.. sigh.. i guess where there's a point of meeting, there's also a point of leaving each other.. JF is gonna leave malacca by tomolo too.. guess i can oni communicate with him through msn de.. abit sad though, but im glad tat we've got to knw each other..

most important.. i will not hv to see him anymore.. but.. but.. im still worried if i would miss him when im at cyber.. he was supposed to be in cyber too.. but then.. things change.. he's gonna be in malacca after all.. i think im gonna cry when my last day in malacca has come.. sobs.. i told myself a thousand time tat i dun wish to hv this feeling towards him anymore.. but i still struggle during this period.. i still love him.. but he doesnt love me.. n im still learning to accept this truth till nw.. hopefully.. sigh..

exam is around the corner de.. still havent study enough currently.. plus, hv to hand up alot of assignments, presentations n oso full reports by next week de.. suffercating alot here.. it's like drowning myself in the sea~ need to float as soon as possible.. hahaha..

>.<

HigH FeveR !!

having a high fever since yesterday.. the whole body temperature increased all of sudden!! this is the 1st time i hv been lying on the bed the whole day!! frenz alwayz see me as the gal who dun sleepz~!! nw tat im on my bed, they mz be suprised for tat!! haha.. anywayz.. it think it's getting fine today.. jz abit of drowsiness.. phew~~ luckily i din attend 4pm class jz nw, or else.. i think i'll be fainted in MMU!!

so upset tat.. he din even ask me hw am i feeling today.. i knw.. " y shud he care for u rite? ".... "u're nt even his girlfriend!!" .. but.. cant he jz care for me as a fren??.. sigh.. im so dissappointed.. sobs.. kk.. cant type any longer.. goin back to sleep.. nitez..

HappiNess Goes to Who? Sadness Goes to Who Then?

yesterday.. i went to someone's 'farewell party' de.. wasnt enjoying much of coz.. especially when i was feeling sick n wanting to throw out.. so tat explained the lesser food i had then.. haha.. anyway.. there i saw him.. with his gang.. it was a strangely 'tense' i was having there.. not tat i can hv a normal conversation with him.. even in a crowd of ppl!! n so, i din talk to him the whole nite there.. sigh.. jz a little glance at him secretly.. at the end, i left the place earlier than him de.. coz my frenz wanted to take off n i was not feeling well too.. when i reached home, i saw my classmate, S who was sitting at SFC angrily.. he told me tat they din wait for him n ignored him de.. i was like.. huh?? ( coz i was supposed to yum cha with him at 10pm, n i was late by 10 mins!) n so he cancelled 'yum cha' thing n took off with a seriously fierce look man!! n today, i saw him arguing with them hastily.. if someone din stop him, im afraid tat a big fight will happen soon!! after tat, i din notice wat hv happened de.. i guess S was still angry with them kua...

few more weeks over here.. n i wont hv to c him anymore.. hope tat i could let go all our memories here.. coz i dunwan to bring it to cyber.. i dunwan to suffer from it anymore.. it's painful enough for me to think about it everyday adi.. lovely moments.. laughter moments.. hard moments.. hurtful moments.. all started from here.. malacca.. sigh.. all unforgetable moments.. =..... ( n to JE.. im really sorry if i hv said anything tat had upset u all this while.. although we cant be together, we're still frenz rite?... u're alwayz be my best fren here~ thankz for supporting me in everything... god bless u~!! n gd luck in everything~!!

Specially..

this song expresses the feeling tat i had nw... it's " Have u ever" by S Club 7..
n it's dedicated to him..

Have u ever

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down
And you just wanna change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I've finally realised it was forever that I've found
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, (I should know) cos I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go


end*


yea.. i really did lost the day i let u go.. sobs..

A " No" to My QuesTIoN..

i finally pop out the question to him.. while i was on my way back home.. n unfortunately, the answer is NO.. he wished us both to stay as frenz as alwayz.. at 1st, i felt nothing.. coz i knew this is gonna be his answer soon.. but later.. my tears started to tear out.. sobing myself in the crowd of ppl.. at tat time, i found myself struggling with the pain tat is in my heart.. i tried to stay calm as i dunwan to embarass myself in front of others.. but.. but.. i jz cant stand it.. i had to rush to the toilet n cried out.. n jz kept crying.. (t's my habit.. when im upset, jz let me cry out loud the whole day n i'll be fine..)

i cant cry anymore.. i dunwan to be hurt anymore.. im gonna try to forget him.. as this is wat i hv to do rite nw.. i cant do anything about it.. if he wants us to remain as frenz, as his wish then.. i'll try to be his fren then.. hopefully i wont be feeling awkard if i c him.. plz.. i hv got to throw away everything tat has got to do with him!! jz be patient till december!! from now on, FOCUS on studies!! as my buddy usually says~ FOCUS!!!! ..... gosh! i hv got to go out n socialize with ppl more!! be much more friendly~ yesh! yesh! ( i think im getting crazy nw.. haha)

oh btw, im sorry if i had ever hurt someone's feeling through my blog here.. thousands of apologizes to u guys!! peace to all~!!

Sweet But HOT!!

phew.. jz came back from a very very relaxing place.. hotspring~!! tat's rite, hotspring~!! the place is at tampin, which is.. i think in n. sembilan.. we arrived there at around 12 something.. there's alot of ppl had already doused in the... HOT WATER!! at 1st, we tried our luck in the pool which the water was at 60 degrees!!!! i cant even put my leg into the water!! it was an undescridable... HOT!!! so.. we switched to the pool which was slightly cooler than the 1st one... 30 degrees i guess.. n it was ok~ much more relaxing in it.. hehe.. i immersed my whole body underwater.. wow.. SWEET N COMFORT~~ most important, it helps to refresh my body.. n also stimulate my sweats out.. but.. on the bad side is tat.. i get thirsty easily.. n when i got up, i felt dissy... the whole place was spinning... almost fainted over there... LUCKILY, it did not happen... or else, someone hv to call the ambulans.. hahahaha.. kk... so much for the hotspring..

oh ya.. i jz chat with him a moment ago.. n i had a nice time chatting.. sigh.. y??.. y do he cum n chat with me when my expetations on him is lower??... when i wanted to chat with him, he din giv any response... n nw, when i hv adi expect tat nothing is gonna happen, he cam to chat.. sigh.. i kept on listening to this song "jiao wo ru he bu ai ta" (in chinese) coz it expresses my feelings at this time.. n it's meaningful to me as well.. haiz.. how??.. wat can i do??...
i also hv another problem with another guy, JF.. let's jz say tat my answer (no) to him has affected our friendship too.. nw, he din talk to me anymore.. not even when we both accidentally bump into each other.. sigh.. hw can i save our friendship at this time?.. oh god, plz guide me through this whole obstacle... haiz..

ChanGes Shud Be Done..

maybe i kept thinking too much about him.. until tat.. i dunno who i am nw.. im lost.. my identity has lost nw.. wandering somewhere.. since when hv i been feeling like this?.. since i hv lost him?.. or since the beginning?.. the whole thing kept spinning inside my brain.. i cant even stand properly.. it has affected my life balance too..
i dun wan to be like this.. i dun wan to be like a paralyzed person.. even worse.. i dun wan to be a useless person!.. i wanna stand up again!.. jz because i was in-love with him, my whole life has ruined??!... NO WAY!! this will be jz wasting my time over here to concentrate on my studies!! from nw on, im gonna try to think more to studies than him!! if tat's the last thing i would hv to do!!!
tomolo.. oh no, it's supposed to be LATER.. i will be attending my 2nd week of class de.. sigh.. time has passed much faster than i thought.. hopefully i could focus more on lecture than on him.. i hope so.. midterm exam is coming soon.. n im SO not well-prepared for it!! got to look through some books... or least lecture notes for revision.. or else.. FAIL!!!!! let's jz pray this word will not appear through this whole process... phew..

LoVe.. FrusTraTing...

life is getting more n more meaningless to me... i felt myself like a dead person... i wake up every morning, walk alone for classes, come alone again from classes, n end up with loneliness.. no one knows how i feel through this whole process.. this feeling really hurts me so much... like an arrow strikes till my whole heart came crashing down.. now, i could really understand how does a loner feels... when u're happy, who's there to share with u?... when u're sad, who's there to cheer u up?... when u really need someone to be with, who's there to lend u a shoulder?.. other than frenz, when u really wanna share ur happiness with someone, who's there to enjoy with?..

i wonder... do ppl change completely after a certain period?... someone who used to love u, hv totally forgotten about u... u are nothing for tat person rite nw... is life alwayz turn out to be like tat everytime?... or izzit a big challenge for me?.. do i hv to go through this in order to get my life back?... even if i can go through this time, i would probably go crazy the next time.. i try to forget this, but i cant... i cant seem to get it erase off from my memory.. it's the hardest thing tat i can do... sees tat person everyday really tears my heart into pieces.. reminds me in the past... financial problem of coz disallowed me to get transfer to other college.. wat can i do?.. mind almost explode sooner or later..

if only i hv the guts to communicate.. to tell.. to confess.. to ask.. ..... or else, i wouldnt be over here thinking silly things.. but the fact is tat.. i dun.. i dun hv enough guts.. i cant do it.. im too coward to do it.. it's easier to be said than to be done.. i will jz keep it to myself.. or mayb forever.. i blame myself for being stubborn... if i could, i really wanna love him forever... n wouldnt change my mind on other guys... for he's the one who used to care for me when no one does... n tries to make me happy no matter wat... i really din hope for anything.. jz hope tat time could cure everything... gomene.. aishiteru..

End Of Holidayz...

back to malacca at last.. those bz days have finally over... thank god!... also i hv checked the exam's result.. not impressive but im satisfied with it.. hopefully i could increase my cgpa this coming semester... n btw, hv jz met up with lots of frenz here.. those days in 2nd sem... oh boy~... time flew by in a split second..

very happy now.. he came n chat with me.. cant believe tat he would.. as i would alwayz be the 1st to find him normally... rainbow strikes through my brain now.. i felt myself in paradise~.... he thought tat i was mad with him b4 tat.. oh well, the fact is tat i wasnt mad at him.. it was jz a disappointment at tat time.. jz feeling sad tat's all.. but.. but... im still glad about the fact tat he did chat with me.. yay~...

rite now.. wanna gambateh more on my studies this sem.. if i keep listening during lecture time, i believe i could achieve my goal as i wanted to.. as long as i finish all my required tasks, my gpa would definitely increase~.... hopefully...

Along These Holidays...

Oh wow.. it has been a while since i hv updated my blog... hahahaha... have been kinda bz these few days... even my sleeping hours have been changing as well... bet that my panda eyes look even obvious rite now.. hehe.. fell sick for the past three days.. sigh... hopefully it get well soon...



As for relationships... sigh.. it becomes one of the factors that had driven me to get bz all the time, so that i dun hv to think about it... i really trying to forget about him... it's impossible for the word 'LOVE' to happen between us.. n he probably likes someone else de.. gosh! im doin it again!.. i hv got to stop thinking about him!... it's so unfair for him.. i should jz let go of him.. he has the right to love someone else.. he's happy.. im happy as well..

I don't know what I did to deserve you,

but I thank the Lord above,

that He's given me the gift of you,

to have both of us here.

Like a favorite blanket on a chilly night,

or when I'm feeling blue,

Your love wraps itself around me,

like a special hug from you.

I love having a friend like you,

and I know this much is true.

Of all the people who could have stolen my heart,

I'm so happy it was you.